The Babysitter at Rest Read online

  The Babysitter at Rest

  The Babysitter at Rest

  JEN GEORGE

  Copyright © 2016 by Jen George

  “The Babysitter at Rest” appeared previously in BOMB Magazine

  All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

  The publisher wishes to thank Christina Wood Martinez.

  First Edition

  ISBN: 978-0-9973666-2-4

  Ebook ISBN: 978-0-9973666-3-1

  Art on cover © Lola Rose Thompson, 2016

  “People Preparing Themselves To Get Viciously Angry”

  Used by kind permission of the artist

  Design and composition by Danielle Dutton

  Printed on permanent, durable, acid-free recycled paper in the United States of America

  Dorothy, a publishing project

  DOROTHYPROJECT.COM

  To Jade

  Guidance / The Party

  The Babysitter at Rest

  Take Care of Me Forever

  Futures in Child Rearing

  Instruction

  GUIDANCE / THE PARTY

  Part I: The Guide

  Arrival of The Guide

  “I was assigned to your case. You’re now thirty-three,” The Guide says. The Guide has come into my apartment through the open window at the fire escape, breaking the screen. “Though you’re visibly aging, you’ve failed to transition properly and now it’s the last hour.” The Guide enters my kitchen and looks over my tea collection: teas for energy, for shitting, for sleep, for being calm, for being present, for liking what I’ve been given, for being my inherent self—most of which are long expired.

  “I didn’t know,” I say.

  Things that can be done

  “Increasingly, less can be done. But taking walks is good,” The Guide says, looking over my bookshelf. They seem wise, but I can tell they find their job somewhat tedious. The Guide picks up an open copy of The Necronomicon from my coffee table and reads for several hours in silence, then naps. I watch The Guide as they nap. I put a blanket on them. They look as though they’re not breathing, but their skin is illuminated so that they look somehow more than alive. I want to touch their face to see if the illumination is makeup, but The Guide is a very imposing figure, very distant.

  Current status

  “You are not partnered, so your trajectory may be less clear,” The Guide says, waking from their nap. “However, partnership can result in laziness and weight gain. Loneliness does this too, so partnership is favored since loneliness appears as an objective rejection by the universe.” I sit at The Guide’s robed knees as they continue. “We find you at the point of early decay. Decay sets in with the loss of possibility, not having children, having children, a string of failures over years, memories, jobs, aging, becoming out-of-shape, losing your looks, realizing you’re a one-trick pony or fraud or nothing special, and understanding things too late.”

  Some ways in which the shift occurs

  “Despite your lack of intuition, you may have become aware of the following changes that signal the onset of adulthood: listening to others, doubting everything you think, health problems, understanding of the limitations of time and/or life/living/the individual/experience, failure to believe in the inherent benevolence of the universe, frequent aches—head and otherwise—bad breath (rot and poor digestion), watching someone younger/more attractive be better than you socially and otherwise, crying at kindness.”

  The Guide hands me a thick manual. It’s full of symbols I cannot make sense of and lists of rules. Also, some questionnaires and a page of hygiene tips.

  Physical

  I didn’t look in the mirror and have a revelation, though I had noticed for some time a woman’s body, the shape of which I’d seen in paintings where the subjects’ bodies (round bottom, dropped tits, gut, thighs, dimples between lower back and bottom that had lost their sex appeal) were no longer the beauty ideal, and which looked somehow different than the body I remembered or thought of as my own—this body was distinctly an adult woman’s, a mother’s body but without having had children.

  I rub my little gut in the mirror. The Guide appears behind me and looks at my little gut, then pokes it rather roughly.

  From the manual: Q&A I

  Q: Re: Losing my looks. Where do they go?

  A: To the optimism of the currently young, to the wind, to the place things go that must leave, which place looks something like an enormous mountain of sand and ash lit only by moonlight, but chunky in parts and the color of skins, and which smells like belly button.

  Q: What takes the place of looks?

  A: Invisibility, irrelevance, debt, and unsuccessful stabs at saving to buy real estate.

  Subjects to avoid

  The Guide looks over journals I’d started at various points throughout my twenties and then comes upon my more recent, sporadic entries: poorly written accounts of various depressions and worrisome descriptions of women seen working as cashiers or bathroom attendants, scribbled down in an attempt to ward off their fates for myself. The Guide throws my journals in the trash. “For your future sense of self-worth,” they say.

  Time audit

  “What have you been doing all this time?” The Guide asks as we drink expired weight-control tea by the window and watch people run down the sidewalk in the sudden thunderstorm.

  “Looking around. Watching stuff on TV. Having weird dreams. Eating sandwiches.”

  The Guide laughs at someone losing their umbrella and their hat simultaneously. I laugh, too.

  Wishful thinking

  “I’ve heard people say thirty-three is the perfect age,” I tell The Guide as I bag up old clothes they have told me I can no longer wear.

  “Generally, people think they can do more than they can with the age because of the symmetry of the number. Most do very little with it.” The Guide throws the majority of my wardrobe onto the floor for me to bag up. Very little is left.

  Mandates for the adult

  “The party for your adulthood is mandatory. The occasion must be marked,” The Guide says after I protest. They inform me preparation for the party is the primary reason for their visit. “You must send out invitations. Invitations are formal; guests show up having RSVP’d. People will most likely speak about articles they’ve read and restaurants they’ve been to. Regarding television, follow people’s cues so as not to let on how much television you actually watch. Avoid overtly solipsistic topics like childhood or family stories. Do not overshare.” I inform The Guide I have never given a real party. The Guide informs me they are not surprised.

  From the manual: Minimal Requirements Survey

  Driver’s license: N

  Home owner/lease holder: N

  Cheating on someone: Y

  Sex with strangers: Y

  LTR/Marriage: N

  Keeping houseplants alive: N

  DTF: Y

  Feelings dialed down: N

  Ability to get a grip: N

  The dentist: N

  Career: N

  Results (6+ N’s): If you go to any psychic, palm reader, astrologer, witch, shaman, or energy healer you will be told: you are on a certain path, but the path can be changed at any time as you are in control. This is actually a veiled message meaning your fate has been sealed and the path is closed. The thing to worry about now is not being broke and toothless at seventy.

  Beauty tips

  “You should only drink alcohol at parties or events. Beyond that, it will make you look haggard, tired, and bloated. A good way to transition is to tell people you�
�re doing a cleanse, giving up alcohol for spirituality, or can’t tolerate it the way you used to,” The Guide tells me as they’re going through my old college art class portfolio filled with several self-portraits in chalk pastel. They’re deciding which are worth keeping. The Guide gives up eventually and throws the entire portfolio away. “Take up yoga, pilates, or zumba. Wear a sauna suit at all times when not in public. Make a lot of money to buy expensive beauty treatments and more sauna suits, preferably in a creative career that is high-paying, smart-dressing, and jet-setting. Once you’re wealthy enough a sparse diet will become second nature. The act of radiating positivity should take the place of the natural vibrancy and hope of youth. Failure to proselytize about healthy foods, new exercise trends, trips abroad, and happiness age one rapidly. You must now claim to enjoy things, learn a lot, and know yourself—this will heavily influence others’ assessment of your objective beauty and worth. Be aware that too much proselytizing may date you, so don’t go overboard. Your life may fall apart around you while you’re putting on the act of radiating positivity, but you will not realize it for some time.”

  Excuses

  “I thought I had more time because I didn’t start menstruating until very late, years after my peers,” I say. “I didn’t get boobs or a butt until I was twenty. I didn’t go to college immediately, and when I did I mostly just slept with my professors. I never finished. My wisdom teeth did not come in until three years ago and are still there, possibly impacted. Once, over a period of nine months, I slept sixteen hours each night, leading to a somewhat significant loss of time. Also, I’ve only recently started to enjoy sex the way it’s supposed to be enjoyed—like orgasm during intercourse, I think.” I notice that The Guide is wearing earplugs.

  Friends/regret

  “Your development has been significantly hindered if you still think there is some social satisfaction coming that you have not yet experienced,” The Guide says, looking at aged photobooth pictures on my refrigerator of me with old friends in poses of drinking or kissing or praying or flashing breasts. “Though you may see the concept of connection in others, it’s only a projection of your longing. No one relies on anyone and you will begin to catch on; this can be liberating, though it may also cause pain and some regret at the realization that most people have always been focused on themselves and you had just failed to understand, not doing anything with yourself while others were busy building lives. Regret should be ignored or at least left unexamined from this point forward. If you are granted a deathbed, you may think about it then.”

  Maintenance

  “But I thought I could maintain certain things,” I tell The Guide in a moment of naïve trust and vulnerability. “Like the belief that my experience is leading somewhere? Except I didn’t know it was belief when I was young?”

  The Guide puts a hand to their forehead to indicate a tension headache. I’m unsure if the gesture indicates an actual headache, or The Guide is just miming to convey their annoyance. “What’s worrisome is your insistence on maintaining anything. You’ve missed many of the lessons you were supposed to have already learned. As your Guide, I’m very irritated. It’s a lot more work than I’d anticipated.” I feel embarrassed at having annoyed The Guide.

  From the manual: Q&A II

  Q: What should I eat at the party?

  A: Eat delicacies, so as to showcase sophistication, and light foods, so as not to gain weight. A young woman eating fried foods, cream sauces, cheeses, potatoes, and cakes is charming; an adult woman eating those same foods is grotesque. No salt before events or appearing in public.

  Q: What should I wear?

  A: Wear something that flatters the figure; nothing too creative/individual/unique/artistic or otherwise trying to look interesting. Looks are fading, and what’s left of the figure must be amplified. Consider taking out a loan for surgery. If you are broke, consider a belt for caftans to give the appearance of a waist, and shaping underwear in lieu of a pricey new wardrobe.

  The foundation you’ve built

  “In your files I found a brief history of the things you’ve said that you believe in,” The Guide tells me while drinking tequila from the bottle. “When you were twenty-four, drunk in a bar bathroom, speaking to an acquaintance, you’re quoted as saying ‘I believe in karma, I totally do. It’s totally real, you know? It’s been around forever, and there’s a reason for that.’ That’s the beginning and end of the file. There is some version of karma in that what you reap, you sow.” The Guide pulls out a list printed on black paper with red ink. The typing is tiny and completely illegible to me. “What you have sown is as follows: laziness, unrealistic expectations of the world/people, fuzzy sexual fantasy scenarios, idiot ideas, hemorrhoids, unwarranted sense of deserving more, wanting to attract men whom you do not even like let alone want to sleep with, television watching, a high number of colds per year, lingering too long during greeting and parting hugs, desperate need to feel connected/inability to actually feel connected, lack of self-awareness in how you flirt for attention, sexual and otherwise.” The Guide seems drunk, but as I do not know The Guide very well, it’s difficult to say.

  “It seems like you’re focusing on the negative,” I say, hoping The Guide will admire me for this small display of self-respect. “In my defense, there are several things from my childhood that justify my delayed adulthood: sensitive child, extreme fear of loved ones dying, parents cursed to make same mistakes over and over/witness to repetition of those mistakes, throwing up often due to undiagnosed lactose intolerance, constipation, questions, idiot ideas, knots in hair, no friends, big dreams with inability to act, dread at going to school, dread at being home, alienation (lasting), psychic attacks (ongoing), extreme embarrassment (constant), born into wrong galaxy, world, reality, family and/or time.”

  “The listed defenses for your incompetence are universal conditions, not individual, and as such do not excuse you from anything, nor do they count toward lowering your relative age or relieving you from the transition or party.”

  The Guide floats about the kitchen looking for more booze. “Your inability to get over the things you’ve listed continues to hinder you tremendously and causes me to hate you somewhat.” The last thing I want is for The Guide to dislike me, but I’m afraid it’s too late. I make an effort to please The Guide by pouring all of my jar change into a bag to take to Coinstar.

  Stretches & such

  “A few things that should be done now are stretching, rolling your neck around, whipping your arms in circles, leg lifts, and elongating your neck to keep the coming turkey wobble tight.” The Guide is giving a demonstration, but it’s hard to see the nuances of the leg lifts through The Guide’s long heavy robes. I attempt to discern The Guide’s sex by looking up their robes, but see only fabric. “These activities,” The Guide continues, whipping their arms about, “should replace sitting in the shower, watching television, and dreaming of things you never intend to act upon. You have only a short time to change your behaviors. The window is rapidly closing.” The Guide seems to enjoy the exercises. I can tell by their toned ankles that they exercise regularly.

  Interpersonal relationships

  “I can think of very few guests I’d like to have attend the party,” I say. “I have never been very popular and have at least moderately severe social anxiety.” The Guide twists my hair into braids. Their thick hands and strong fingers are excellent for creating hairdos. We try to decide which way it’ll look best for the party.

  “Your need to feel elite by liking or not liking people is a flaw of character,” The Guide says in an almost familiar tone. “Your social anxiety is a mask for narcissism. Part of the transition is to understand that one person is basically the same as another. Relationships and interactions may become dull, but that dullness is necessary in order to let go of life as you age and decay. The strong feelings you deny now may show up later in affairs (assuming you get married or have a long-term partner), inappropriate sexual relationships w
ith people much younger than yourself (assuming you become a teacher or barfly), or completely focusing on your children (again, the assumption of a partner), all of which, if indulged, will contribute to your downfall and haunt you into old age.”

  From the manual: People To Invite to the Party

  Co-Workers: People from work and their spouses. If not employed—get a job, learn to be likeable to spouses.

  Social Neutrals: People you’ve met socially within the last two years with whom you have not had any negative interactions or acted a fool in front of.

  Old “Friends”: People you used to hang around with in youth but with whom there has always been a distance—your familiarity with each other will come in handy, your lack of intimacy will allow you to present yourselves to each other as you’d like to be seen. The lie will be only slightly transparent.

  How to present yourself

  “Smile and look busy in conversation,” The Guide says, giving an example of a pleasant smile. Their teeth are a blinding white; the brightness causes me to squint. “Act as though there is a lot to do in the way of serving food and cleaning up, but not too much to do so as not to appear that you’re doing all the donkeywork or you’re a servant. Wear makeup, jewelry, and something you cannot afford, in order to ensure you will not feel like a chubby street urchin halfway through the party. Refer to the manual for information on weight loss via dieting/cleansing prior to the party, taking saunas, eating cotton balls soaked in castor oil, ephedrine use, epsom salt baths, and salt flushes. A good host introduces guests to one another, compliments guests in front of other guests, offers wine and napkins, urges guests to eat food while herself abstaining from food due to her new diet. Guests like their hosts to have fun. Act like you’re having fun. Laugh audibly.” The Guide gives a hearty laugh that fills the room and sounds so genuine and warm it nearly brings tears to my eyes. “Pour wine, twirl to the music, flirt in a non-sexually-provocative manner, suggest something spontaneous that you have previously planned, i.e., shots, recreational drug use, exquisite corpse, Ouija board. Have a list of things ready to say about yourself and your future plans. Examples may include traveling abroad; going to live on a farm in Norway and photographing your experience; going to teach in Africa, Guatemala, or Cambodia; getting into a new line of work; taking up carpentry or furniture refinishing; having a profound spiritual breakthrough; moving somewhere else permanently; starting a business; taking classes; negotiating a salary; doing home improvements; having a baby; and other things that give the appearance life is full, interesting, and moving forward. Make sure future plans are not purely lip service; you do not want to come across as being full of shit. However, it is always better to say you’re doing something rather than nothing.”